Perspective. What helps when you go into your mind and loss your sense of reality is perspective. Because when you think about your life, well when I think about my life I realize that I am really lucky. That there is no point or help in wallowing in how I believed in love and failed. And believed someone was right for me but turned out not to be. It is in a sense the worst kind off pain, because you feel you lose a piece of yourself. But the positive side which is even more important, you get to build on your experience and grow further. You can chose to see yourself as the victim, or you can look at yourself and see how you accepted what you did and what you can improve. I realised I have lived my life seeking affection and love from others, never loving myself. That is my only goal day to day now. Love myself, and be me. By doing that, I believe I can handle whatever comes my way better and stronger than before. I am in charge of my own life. And the less I wallow, the better I feel. All I want now is a cool job and to finish my master thesis. So proud that I am soon done, a lot of work left. But I’m going to nail it. One day at a time. I am not a victim.
Got to love this breakup-app I have. It gives me different things to do everyday. Today – write down who I want to be i the future. Changes that I would like to see happen. Here goes! 🙂
- I want to be brave
- I want to be independent
- I want to help people who need help – hopefully abroad – in a refugee camp or something similar
- I want to be safe in my decisions and believe in my own voice
- I want to be secure and satisfied being alone
- I want to make this world better, one step at a time
- I want to be alone for a while
- I want to accept, forgive and love with even less judgement
And this TedTalk really said it all for me – I want to marry myself 😛 (Thanks Miriam!)
What is the best way to move forward? To deal with a broken heart? With the hopes and dreams that suddenly are no more?
I’ve moved out, stayed with many close friends, I’ve meditated regularly, I cry and laugh everyday, but it feels a lot better. Mostly because when it happened I took time off for myself and really went deep in my heart. Just listened to it, and also listened to some sense. Because it was not a healthy relationship – I won’t bother lying to myself about it anymore. I need to accept the fact that I felt insecure and cried more than I have ever done – yet, I saw potential, I saw hope, I saw maybe what I wanted to see. But what the hell, I gave it a shot and I gave it my all. Imagine how much I can love the right person, if I can love the wrong person so much? One thing I realised, yes I can accept my actions, yes I can forgive them. We make mistakes, we learn. But I have become stronger, more independent, and more secure in my decisions and how I want to live my life. No one is going to tell me how I am to live my life – no one dictates, and no one shall tell me how I am , feel or act. Because no one knows that better than me.
How is it possible to start a life with someone, when you didn’t even love yourself? How do you set proper boundaries and limits, when you don’t think you can keep your own boundaries? I set many boundaries. I talked so much. I was so open about my feelings, and it felt so good. To be able to talk to someone, so openly.
However, being open, talking, does not mean one is listening or being clear enough. For the future, I will set my boundaries in a fair manner, yet in a direct manner. If one does not accept me for what I feel, want or believe, then it is impossible to have a life with that person. Or if I don’t do the same for him. Despite a shitty situation, he did make me realise who the most important person in my life is, and that is me. Before I can accept and acknowledge that my own happiness is not built in another person, but it comes from within, then I can open up my heart again. But the one person one should always listen to and trust, is oneself.
I have to forgive myself for allowing my boundaries to be crossed time and time again. I accepted so many things that I personally disagreed with. I talked and talked. I explained. I talked about my feelings. I felt he listened. But he didn’t. Because if he did, he would have done what I asked and what I needed. But instead, it was all on me. When one person makes it all you, no matter how great they are, you feel insecure and unfulfilled in the relationship. Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are, not who someone might want you to be. I can’t be both a tough girl and do everything someone else tells me to do. I have opinions, I have a loud voice and I have dreams and desires. I don’t want to be behind someone, I want to be by their side, speaking my mind. I don’t care if we disagree sometimes, as long as we respect each other. If a man can’t accept that, then he is not the man for me. I want my children to learn from our example, so that they can work towards making this world better. That is through respect, acceptance and forgiveness.
To a brighter 2017, where I will keep the good memories locked away in my heart, and move on to living a life where I am in the front seat. Only then will things really start to fall into place.
It’s finally Saturday, hello WEEKEND. Some of us have the weekend packed, others will just relax. Whatever the plan is, make sure you do it for you. And that you are content.
I am going to start the day with my daily routine of meditation. I can’t believe I am doing it on a daily basis now. I’ve tried for a year to make it a habit. I never believed in it, and I just thought it was a little too “hippie” free life oh inner peace inner joy crap. Well, hands down, I was wrong. I’m no master yet, I can’t concentrate for longer than 2 minutes at a time, but it is a start 😛 I mean, with all the noise today, it’s hard to even sit in silence for one second, then you feel the urge to check your phone or take a run or make some food, have coffee. Coffee, I am going to make a cup after I’m done. Need to cut down, that is not happening before my master is a DONE deal.
Anyhow ❤ I downloaded an app called Headspace, for any of you considering to start is it a easy and motivating, 10- minutes a day.
No pressure – of course. It is not for everyone. I'm going to start my day now, and continue to write on my thesis. The never-ending project that will end in May. YEY.
Wish you all a great day! P.S. Put a chill song at the end.